my favorite things to talk about

I've been getting a lot of grief for not updating lately. Here you go my friends.

Yesterday all of my girls were over and I told them that so much was changing: Jenna was engaged and Annie had a baby! They were shocked by both of these things, which is just funny to me. Its great and scary to think about all of these changes though. Jenna is going to live with us and be planning her wedding, and then she's going to be married to Kyle forever. We saw her beautiful ring last night and laughed about how you wait so long to be engaged...and then you're engaged. I imagine its a weird, great, scary, overwhelming, not sure what to do next feeling. I'm really excited to live with Jenna while she's planning her wedding and walk through all of that with her. I love weddings!

Last Wednesday, Jon and Annie had baby Raelyn. Sarah, Mary Ellen and I got to go to the hospital Wednesday evening and hold brand new baby Raelyn and I loved it. Every second of it. Of course I loved it because I love babies, but it was more than that. Everything about being there just felt so real. Annie was on lots of drugs and was really tired and Jon was so good at just BEING there. It literally felt like the room was overflowing with love. It was as if we were sitting in a room and everyone there was completely content. I could have stayed all night. Last weekend (after Shauna's car got stolen!) we took dinner to the Houghtons. They had just gotten home from the hospital earlier that day and the house was bustling with people. Annie's parents were there, Kylie was hilarious, Nick was his usual happy self, the Butler game was on tv, and they were more than okay with Shauna, Sarah and I joining in on their party. Again, I could have stayed all night. I kind of wanted to actually. We were sitting there, laughing with Annie about pumping with the windows open, watching Kylie dance and pose for the camera, seeing Jon serve Annie without even thinking twice, watching Nomeno clean, and loving the chaos and the people and the community, and I couldn't help but think THIS is what I want. I don't want this to come across as me wishing for the future or not living in the present. I LOVE my life right now. I think I have the best life of anyone I know and I am thankful for it constantly. Watching Jon and Annie, holding Raelyn, laying on the floor while Kylie sprayed an entire bottle of detangler in my hair...I felt overwhelmed with the prayer that this, God, is the desire of my heart. I want to have a baby that was created and grew in my body for nine months and finally get to hold that beautiful gift in my arms. I want to sit in the hospital and feel content that there is no where else I'd rather be, with my husband who I can't imagine life without. I want to have kids running around my house and invite people in and then want to be with them so much that I stay in the living room to breastfeed instead of going in the bedroom. I want a marriage that works really well. This is the desire of my heart and my prayer. For sure.






For now, my life is fun. Yesterday all my girls came over and we talked about Wilderness, which is one of my favorite things EVER to talk about! (This post includes all of my favorite thing...Wilderness, weddings, and babies!) I like having all of them together. Then I went to see Tangled with Mary Ellen. She smiled through the entire movie. We got to come back here and talk and cry and I'm just really thankful for her and really, really, really glad she is part of my life. Today, Sarah and I are hanging out. I have fun friends who are really great.

Inside of Me

I read a book the past couple days called Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption. It for sure wasn't the best book I've ever read, but it wasn't the worst either. It was a short book all about this one woman's sexual brokenness and her stories. I've been thinking a lot about sexual brokenness lately, due to the sermon series at our church especially, and thinking about it in my own life, in my friends' lives, and in the lives of my wonderful high school girls. Sexual brokenness is so common in our world, in our country that uses 80% of the world's resources, we're also using one another for our bodies. I know that sex trafficking and forced prostitution, and even unforced prostitution, are serious problems in our country and our world, but I have also seen the devastating effects that the misuse of sex has in the lives of girls who look like they have it all. We know as Christians that sex is supposed to be saved for marriage, but no one really talks about why. Its just another rule that is almost impossible to follow, especially with raging hormones and the commonness of sex and sexual images. I think that sexual brokenness is so much more than the few people we might know who have a lot of sex with a lot of people. Sexual brokenness is when we look at our bodies and think they aren't beautiful enough. Its when we dress provocatively in ways that shows the world intimate parts of our bodies. Its when we think that we can separate emotions from physical sexual acts, when the truth is that no matter how hard we try, how many times it happens, or how old you are, it is not possible.

In her book, Shellie says, "It was to prove that if you apply pre-marital sex to any equation- casual sex, friends with benefits, or dating (whether with or without intentions to marry)- there will always be potential problems and many times, very serious, life-changing, detrimental ones, not because sex is bad; as a matter of fact, it's so great and so powerful that you need God's blessing and a marital covering to keep it from destroying you. God's laws concerning sex and marriage are so you can be protected in your pleasure. If God created it, don't you think He would know how to use it better than any of us?"

It's so powerful that you need protection to keep it from destroying you? Wow. What if everyone knew this? What if every girl saw her body as a gift from God, as "bought with a price"? What if we didn't know about this when it was too late and the damage was done? What if people, especially Christians, actually talked about this and about how real the desires are and WHY we have the desires? What if we didn't dress in ways that made boys think about our bodies as objects? What if we didn't USE our bodies as objects?

There are girls as young as 5 and 6 years old in the U.S. that are forced to do sexual acts for economic gain by their pimp. There are lots of things I don't know. I do know that this is not how it was created to be. At all.

skipping class

I'm skipping class today. I've never done this before! Skipping as in all of them. Normally I go to class from 9:30 to 5 on Tuesdays, and today I'm not going to a single one. This is for a few reasons. I've been really careful not to skip class while I'm in college. I know that skipping class is a slippery slope for me. I've only skipped class like 3 times in all my years at Butler and they were all for legitimate reasons, and today I just don't want to go. I always say that I wish I had skipped more class when I was in high school. I didn't ever miss school, even when I was sick because I was so worried about the make up homework. My mom would offer to let me stay home and I never took her up on that because I was defined by being a good student and I didn't know how to do anything else. In college, I've really let go of a lot of that and I no longer feel defined by my grades. I don't find my worth in school and I don't even LIKE it. Its still hard for me to be sitting here right now, because I'm sort of thinking that I should be in class even though I know Latin American societies is a waste of my time, but I really like it.

Here's what I'm doing today.
Writing a paper (that's due today haha)
Watching Harry Potter
Getting caught up on my internship journal
Blogging (obviously)
Planning for our late start meeting tomorrow!
Showering
Driving to Dayton with Michelle to see a Steve Moakler concert.

I'm really excited about the concert and really excited to go with Michelle and to do all of these crazy things in one day. None of it really makes sense(in the normal view) and I'm okay with that. Really excited about it actually!

where I want my heart

I really love being a YL leader. I know people probably think I say this all the time, but I just can't get over it. I just had dinner with one of my favorite girls, and I just don't believe there is an organization that does it better than YL does.

How could it be better than this?!

A lot of the time I feel pressure, like I need to be something for my girls or like I'm letting them down, or like I need to say exactly the right thing and call at exactly the right time and if they are drinking or smoking weed then its because I'm not being a good enough YL leader. I know in my head that this isn't the truth and that I can't control their behavior, and that their behavior is not a reflection of the impact I am making. And all this week, over and over in my mind, I keep thinking that the BEST thing I can do for my girls is not call them more. The best thing I can do for my girls is not swoop in at just the right time. Its not having the perfect piece of advice. Its not making their pain away. No, the BEST thing I can do for my girls is be more in love with Christ.

I've been trying to think of things with this perspective this week: If I got cancer, would this matter? If I got really sick and my life was forever changed, would this matter? Class FOR SURE wouldn't. YL club wouldn't. My insecurities about if I'm living up to the standards I set for myself wouldn't. My "keeping busy" by filling my time with crap wouldn't. My relationship with Christ would. The fact that I talked to my mom on the phone today for 30 minutes would. My relationships with my YL girls would and encouraging words would and laughing with my roommates would. This is where I want to focus my attention and where I want my heart to be.

cancer

On the phone with my mom today, she told me about a funeral she went to for this guy who was way too young to die of cancer. She said that throughout the whole funeral, his 5 year old son laid on the floor and cried out "I want my daddy." I don't think I've ever heard of something more heartbreaking.

I started reading this blog just now that's called "Don't waste your cancer" and is about a 26 year old mom of an 8 month old baby who has cancer and their story. She says,
"the nurse today said, "wow i bet its been a nightmare for you guys since you found out three weeks ago..." i did not respond, but i immediately thought, nope not a nightmare. never occurred to me to think of it like that. not because i am strong or anything, because this sucks. cancer is not very fun at all and i hate it. but i do not hate it because i think its unfair or why me...but mostly because i would prefer not to have cancer. but i trust jesus more than i ever have in my life and i can already see how he is using this in such huge ways and i love it. he is real and he is good. all the time."

I certainly can't make anyone feel better with my words. In situations like this that aren't fair and don't make sense, my words don't make anyone feel better. But this mom talks about how people send her emails and she feels loved and that makes it a little better. That's how I can help. I can show up in people's lives and tell them that I care. That's it. I care.

waiting

C.S. Lewis' daily tweet today says:
"I am sure God keeps no one waiting unless He sees it is good for him to wait."

I've been saying lately that I'm sick of being taught to be patient. I don't think I really mean it, but I definitely, definitely think it. I don't want to be patient about knowing what I'm going to do next year mostly. And its not that I haven't thought about it. Because I have. Its just too early to know what my options really are. In my heart, I'm okay with this, its just in my brain where there is impatience. I think that in learning patience, I'm also learning trust. That's my goal for this year: to learn to fully, completely, wholly trust God. I am GREAT at saying that I trust God. My anxious heart, my complaints, my acting-like-I-know-everything attitude say otherwise. How do I do this? Really, I have no idea.

I think it means that I repeat to myself over and over and over that I am loved by God. I am his daughter, his masterpiece, and that I have nothing to prove. I repeat Jeremiah 29:11 again and again and try to completely believe that God DOES have a plan for me. I spend time remembering that God has shown up in the past. That every summer of my life has been exactly what I needed, and every summer I was at a total loss for what to do. I came to Butler and it was the EXACT place I needed to be. I went to Wilderness and a friend was provided for me exactly when I needed it the most. I have a real community of real people who really know me and is what I prayed for in high school. I know my God hears me. I know my God loves me. I know my God knows what's best for me. I just want to trust all that.

this is long!

This might be long, I have a lot of things to say!

1. My mom just left. I really love my mom. She came for the YL banquet last night and I'm so glad she did. I love that she got to come and see that Young Life is so much more than me sitting and listening to high school drama. I love that she got to interact with my friends and see a little more of what my life is really like. I talked at the banquet last night with Jake and led a game, and I joked with my mom about high school. She really, really wanted me to take public speaking in high school and I always told her I didn't need it. I won, obviously, and last night she finally agreed that I really didn't need it. We went to breakfast this morning and had a lot to talk about and I'm so thankful for her. We talked about how its amazing that she is still sane and normal with some of the things that have gone on in her life. We laughed about how for the FIRST time in her life, she simply doesn't want to work anymore (I haven't even started and I don't want to work anymore!) She bought me groceries and came with enough diet coke and toilet paper to last for an eternity. She came with cute shoes and a flannel shirt because she remembered me talking about wanting one the other day. Sometimes I wonder if my mom gets me, if she understands who I am, and sometimes I think she doesn't. And then on days like today, I don't think I could feel any more loved, and more supported, any more understood.

2. I love the Carmel YL banquet. When I was a junior in high school, I spoke at the YL banquet and told my testimony. Five years later, I told one reason why I love being a YL leader, and led a game at a YL banquet. Its amazing to be in a room of 300 adults who are saying, "Yes. I care." I like to meet the parents of my kids. I like to be in a room of adults who hear truths about teenagers and how life is hard. I like that there is purpose in every part of the night and that we sit in a room full of smiling people.

3. I really love reading other people's blogs. Sometimes that makes me think that other people would love to read my blog too, but I think that's just too much pressure. Plus, what if I decide that I want to quit blogging again, and then a bunch of people keep telling me to do it?

4. For as long as I can remember, I have said that I am ready to get married. Literally, in high school I thought I knew who I was going to marry and I had my life planned out. Since then, lots has changed, including who I thought I was going to marry, but this has been a consistent theme in my life. I have 3 friends who are getting married in the near future. I'm SO excited for these weddings. I'm going to a bridal shower tonight. And for the first time in my life (this sounds stupid, but its the truth) I've realized that I will graduate from college and not be engaged. I just never believed that this was really possible. Now, there are 6 months until I graduate and I'm not giving up hope that I will have a boyfriend by then, but I certainly won't be engaged. I was talking to Mary Ellen a few weekends ago and we talked about the fact that we can't really believe we are going to graduate and not get married right away. If this was a world where I got to pick everything I thought I needed, would I choose to be getting engaged? Yes. Absolutely. But then I think about my friends getting married, about the way their lives are going to radically change in such a short amount of time, and then I think I might be thankful for the way my life is turning out. I love this life. I'm not sure that I'm ready to graduate, move, get married, find a job, figure out how to be a wife and still have friends, etc. I know that one day (hopefully sooner rather than later) I will meet a great guy that I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with. When that happens, I will be THE most excited engaged person you have EVER met. And until then, I want to LOVE this life. Love where I am. Love what I'm doing. Love living with two girls that I have so much fun with. Love living freely without attachments. Love what God is teaching and showing me in this time. Love the hope that I know is in my future.

5. I want to make a craft project. I need ideas!