tired

I want to be so excited about living that I don't have time to be tired.

That's what Sarah wrote on her blog today and ME TOO. That's what I think when I read that. I've been saying I'm tired a lot this week. Tired in like a real way and a way I can't figure out because I have been sleeping enough. So I shouldn't be tired.

I'm talking to Katelyn right now because Ella is talking in sentences. She says "You wanna be like me mommy?" which I just think is hilarious. But I cannot believe that the sweet baby girl I knew is old enough to talk in sentences. And laugh at herself.

My mom tells me all the time that she can't believe I'm old enough to graduate college. I can't believe that my girls are going to be seniors in high school next year. I can't believe that January is almost over and I only have three months left of school FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Life happens so fast. That's what I'm thinking right now. I don't want to spend another minute being too tired to enjoy it. I don't really pay attention to being too tired and I have always said to Michelle that I for sure am too tired to stay up all night to study but I'm never too tired to stay up all night to talk. I want to stop saying in my head though that I'm too tired. I want to love every minute and soak it all in and cherish this moment. Right at this very moment, Sarah is on the phone next door talking to Molly and Susan and she is laughing and giving advice and being a good friend. This is a sweet moment and how I always want to remember Sarah. Just an hour ago we were at WyldLife club and while we were there, I was thinking how cool it was that middle schoolers get to do something so awesome on a Thursday night. One kid as we were leaving said "That was a really great club!" This is cool. This is a life worth living. I want to soak it all in.


I love this moment at the Jake concert last night when it was just candlelights and he sang Kentucky Moon.


I love this moment because I wanted to take a picture with these boys to send to Caitlin. We all worked at the Ranch together and for all my thoughts about the Ranch, I love the memories that I have there. I love that it can be a year and a half and we can get together and have tons of fun hanging out. I love that today I skyped with Caitlin because the bond we have isn't breakable by distance.

I don't want to miss this. I don't want to be too tired.

God knows his children

I'm writing this down because I don't ever want to forget this.

Today started out as maybe one of the most anxious days I've experienced. More thoughts on that at a later date. I met with Diane and Laura, both of whom I love, and at one point we got distracted and they were telling me a story about a biological mom who was putting her kids in safe families and it just ended up being the perfect situation after tons and tons of conversations and Laura said simply: "God knows his children." It gives me chills just typing it.

Later, there was an emergency placement (or rather, ANOTHER emergency placement) and we were running out of time and people to call and after many phone calls, finally a mom just said yes. With no hesitation. She didn't have to ask her husband or think about it and call us back or anything. And she said, "Funny because all of our weekend plans just fell through last night." As I type this, I get chills too.

There's nothing like seeing God work RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES.

Safe Families

I am tired...like my head is tired. I started my internship this week working with Safe Families and all at once I feel excited and nervous and encouraged and discouraged and anxious and afraid and confused. And I'm proud. Proud that there are people who are willing to take a stand against things that are wrong to reach out and help people. Simply help them. With nothing in return. Starting an internship, there is so much to learn. I feel a little bit like a burden because I just tag along and everyone has to find jobs for me to do, but I know this is just the beginning and eventually I will be able to stand on my own and know what to do. Its a different world. The biological families that S.F. serves are literally living in a different world. Its 15 minutes from Butler. When I had to go to a community center last year for a class, I was scared to even drive in neighborhoods like that. Today I was with a single mom who has 5 kids under the age of 9 and is pregnant and we used food stamps. I've never used food stamps before. It was hard. Tonight I went to a presentation at Common Ground of two women who are starting a dress company employing trafficking victims in Cambodia. There's a lot of social justice going on in my life right now. It makes my head hurt a little and is hard for me to justify sitting on my couch in my warm apartment in Carmel where I have everything I could possibly ever need. And more. One of the people at the presentation said that he hopes Daughters, the dress company, gives girls hope for tomorrow and hope for eternity. I like that. We offer hope for tomorrow and hope for eternity. Hope.

Happy 2011!

Happy New Year! 11 is my favorite number. I think that means good things for this year. New Years is such an interesting thing to me. Everyone dresses up and wears sparkly things, even though there is really no difference between the night before NYE and the night after. People make resolutions that they can't really keep. Its a big deal, New Years Eve, and last night Maddy made a good point and said that its a big deal because it will never again be the night where 2010 turns into 2011. Either way, I think the only fun thing about NYE is that we've started a tradition of standing on our heads to bring in the new year.

Today I made lists, favorite memories from 2010, things I learned about myself in the past year, etc. But I'm currently listed out. This happens quickly to me. I was thinking about this earlier though. I finished reading the book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. Not the best book I've ever read. Not the worst. I love that it talks about life as a story though. I read all the time on facebook that people say they are making their life great, or making their life fun. How do you make life fun though if you get cancer? Or if someone you love gets cancer? Or your parents get divorced? Or your best friend isn't your best friend anymore? How does that translate to fun? I think a lot of our society wastes way to much time on this concept of being happy, but that's for another time. I know for me, I have emotions and they change quickly and easily. If I'm only wanting a happy life, then I'm only enjoying a few moments of the day and saying the rest of it was just a waste. Donald Miller says that we live a story. Here's some thoughts on that.

"The story is what changes the character, not the inciting incident."

"The character has to jump into the story, into the discomfort and the fear, otherwise the story will never happen."

"The pain made the city more beautiful. The story made us different characters than we would have been if we had skipped the story and showed up at the ending in an easier way."

"The great stories go to those who don't give into fear."

So then I was thinking, what kind of story am I living? If someone wrote it, what would my story be about? So much of the time we want to skip the pain and show up in an easier way. What kind of story am I living that celebrates the pain for what it is, for the way that it is real and hard and scary, for acknowledging that it is changing me?

I want a story that celebrates. That savors, like Annie said last night, every mundane moment. I want a story that looks at uncertainties as possibilities. I want a story that is revolutionary , a story that makes me a learner, a story that I am grateful for. Stories like this don't just happen, you have to make them happen. That's my hope for this year.

There's a sticky note on my desk that says "Live a life that deserves an explanation." Happy 2011. I hope you are a year that deserves an explanation. That is worthy of a story. That is full to the brim with possibility.