I'm skipping class today. I've never done this before! Skipping as in all of them. Normally I go to class from 9:30 to 5 on Tuesdays, and today I'm not going to a single one. This is for a few reasons. I've been really careful not to skip class while I'm in college. I know that skipping class is a slippery slope for me. I've only skipped class like 3 times in all my years at Butler and they were all for legitimate reasons, and today I just don't want to go. I always say that I wish I had skipped more class when I was in high school. I didn't ever miss school, even when I was sick because I was so worried about the make up homework. My mom would offer to let me stay home and I never took her up on that because I was defined by being a good student and I didn't know how to do anything else. In college, I've really let go of a lot of that and I no longer feel defined by my grades. I don't find my worth in school and I don't even LIKE it. Its still hard for me to be sitting here right now, because I'm sort of thinking that I should be in class even though I know Latin American societies is a waste of my time, but I really like it.
Here's what I'm doing today.
Writing a paper (that's due today haha)
Watching Harry Potter
Getting caught up on my internship journal
Blogging (obviously)
Planning for our late start meeting tomorrow!
Showering
Driving to Dayton with Michelle to see a Steve Moakler concert.
I'm really excited about the concert and really excited to go with Michelle and to do all of these crazy things in one day. None of it really makes sense(in the normal view) and I'm okay with that. Really excited about it actually!
11.16.2010
11.11.2010
where I want my heart
I really love being a YL leader. I know people probably think I say this all the time, but I just can't get over it. I just had dinner with one of my favorite girls, and I just don't believe there is an organization that does it better than YL does.
How could it be better than this?!
A lot of the time I feel pressure, like I need to be something for my girls or like I'm letting them down, or like I need to say exactly the right thing and call at exactly the right time and if they are drinking or smoking weed then its because I'm not being a good enough YL leader. I know in my head that this isn't the truth and that I can't control their behavior, and that their behavior is not a reflection of the impact I am making. And all this week, over and over in my mind, I keep thinking that the BEST thing I can do for my girls is not call them more. The best thing I can do for my girls is not swoop in at just the right time. Its not having the perfect piece of advice. Its not making their pain away. No, the BEST thing I can do for my girls is be more in love with Christ.
I've been trying to think of things with this perspective this week: If I got cancer, would this matter? If I got really sick and my life was forever changed, would this matter? Class FOR SURE wouldn't. YL club wouldn't. My insecurities about if I'm living up to the standards I set for myself wouldn't. My "keeping busy" by filling my time with crap wouldn't. My relationship with Christ would. The fact that I talked to my mom on the phone today for 30 minutes would. My relationships with my YL girls would and encouraging words would and laughing with my roommates would. This is where I want to focus my attention and where I want my heart to be.
How could it be better than this?!
A lot of the time I feel pressure, like I need to be something for my girls or like I'm letting them down, or like I need to say exactly the right thing and call at exactly the right time and if they are drinking or smoking weed then its because I'm not being a good enough YL leader. I know in my head that this isn't the truth and that I can't control their behavior, and that their behavior is not a reflection of the impact I am making. And all this week, over and over in my mind, I keep thinking that the BEST thing I can do for my girls is not call them more. The best thing I can do for my girls is not swoop in at just the right time. Its not having the perfect piece of advice. Its not making their pain away. No, the BEST thing I can do for my girls is be more in love with Christ.
I've been trying to think of things with this perspective this week: If I got cancer, would this matter? If I got really sick and my life was forever changed, would this matter? Class FOR SURE wouldn't. YL club wouldn't. My insecurities about if I'm living up to the standards I set for myself wouldn't. My "keeping busy" by filling my time with crap wouldn't. My relationship with Christ would. The fact that I talked to my mom on the phone today for 30 minutes would. My relationships with my YL girls would and encouraging words would and laughing with my roommates would. This is where I want to focus my attention and where I want my heart to be.
11.07.2010
cancer
On the phone with my mom today, she told me about a funeral she went to for this guy who was way too young to die of cancer. She said that throughout the whole funeral, his 5 year old son laid on the floor and cried out "I want my daddy." I don't think I've ever heard of something more heartbreaking.
I started reading this blog just now that's called "Don't waste your cancer" and is about a 26 year old mom of an 8 month old baby who has cancer and their story. She says,
"the nurse today said, "wow i bet its been a nightmare for you guys since you found out three weeks ago..." i did not respond, but i immediately thought, nope not a nightmare. never occurred to me to think of it like that. not because i am strong or anything, because this sucks. cancer is not very fun at all and i hate it. but i do not hate it because i think its unfair or why me...but mostly because i would prefer not to have cancer. but i trust jesus more than i ever have in my life and i can already see how he is using this in such huge ways and i love it. he is real and he is good. all the time."
I certainly can't make anyone feel better with my words. In situations like this that aren't fair and don't make sense, my words don't make anyone feel better. But this mom talks about how people send her emails and she feels loved and that makes it a little better. That's how I can help. I can show up in people's lives and tell them that I care. That's it. I care.
I started reading this blog just now that's called "Don't waste your cancer" and is about a 26 year old mom of an 8 month old baby who has cancer and their story. She says,
"the nurse today said, "wow i bet its been a nightmare for you guys since you found out three weeks ago..." i did not respond, but i immediately thought, nope not a nightmare. never occurred to me to think of it like that. not because i am strong or anything, because this sucks. cancer is not very fun at all and i hate it. but i do not hate it because i think its unfair or why me...but mostly because i would prefer not to have cancer. but i trust jesus more than i ever have in my life and i can already see how he is using this in such huge ways and i love it. he is real and he is good. all the time."
I certainly can't make anyone feel better with my words. In situations like this that aren't fair and don't make sense, my words don't make anyone feel better. But this mom talks about how people send her emails and she feels loved and that makes it a little better. That's how I can help. I can show up in people's lives and tell them that I care. That's it. I care.
11.06.2010
waiting
C.S. Lewis' daily tweet today says:
"I am sure God keeps no one waiting unless He sees it is good for him to wait."
I've been saying lately that I'm sick of being taught to be patient. I don't think I really mean it, but I definitely, definitely think it. I don't want to be patient about knowing what I'm going to do next year mostly. And its not that I haven't thought about it. Because I have. Its just too early to know what my options really are. In my heart, I'm okay with this, its just in my brain where there is impatience. I think that in learning patience, I'm also learning trust. That's my goal for this year: to learn to fully, completely, wholly trust God. I am GREAT at saying that I trust God. My anxious heart, my complaints, my acting-like-I-know-everything attitude say otherwise. How do I do this? Really, I have no idea.
I think it means that I repeat to myself over and over and over that I am loved by God. I am his daughter, his masterpiece, and that I have nothing to prove. I repeat Jeremiah 29:11 again and again and try to completely believe that God DOES have a plan for me. I spend time remembering that God has shown up in the past. That every summer of my life has been exactly what I needed, and every summer I was at a total loss for what to do. I came to Butler and it was the EXACT place I needed to be. I went to Wilderness and a friend was provided for me exactly when I needed it the most. I have a real community of real people who really know me and is what I prayed for in high school. I know my God hears me. I know my God loves me. I know my God knows what's best for me. I just want to trust all that.
"I am sure God keeps no one waiting unless He sees it is good for him to wait."
I've been saying lately that I'm sick of being taught to be patient. I don't think I really mean it, but I definitely, definitely think it. I don't want to be patient about knowing what I'm going to do next year mostly. And its not that I haven't thought about it. Because I have. Its just too early to know what my options really are. In my heart, I'm okay with this, its just in my brain where there is impatience. I think that in learning patience, I'm also learning trust. That's my goal for this year: to learn to fully, completely, wholly trust God. I am GREAT at saying that I trust God. My anxious heart, my complaints, my acting-like-I-know-everything attitude say otherwise. How do I do this? Really, I have no idea.
I think it means that I repeat to myself over and over and over that I am loved by God. I am his daughter, his masterpiece, and that I have nothing to prove. I repeat Jeremiah 29:11 again and again and try to completely believe that God DOES have a plan for me. I spend time remembering that God has shown up in the past. That every summer of my life has been exactly what I needed, and every summer I was at a total loss for what to do. I came to Butler and it was the EXACT place I needed to be. I went to Wilderness and a friend was provided for me exactly when I needed it the most. I have a real community of real people who really know me and is what I prayed for in high school. I know my God hears me. I know my God loves me. I know my God knows what's best for me. I just want to trust all that.
11.05.2010
this is long!
This might be long, I have a lot of things to say!
1. My mom just left. I really love my mom. She came for the YL banquet last night and I'm so glad she did. I love that she got to come and see that Young Life is so much more than me sitting and listening to high school drama. I love that she got to interact with my friends and see a little more of what my life is really like. I talked at the banquet last night with Jake and led a game, and I joked with my mom about high school. She really, really wanted me to take public speaking in high school and I always told her I didn't need it. I won, obviously, and last night she finally agreed that I really didn't need it. We went to breakfast this morning and had a lot to talk about and I'm so thankful for her. We talked about how its amazing that she is still sane and normal with some of the things that have gone on in her life. We laughed about how for the FIRST time in her life, she simply doesn't want to work anymore (I haven't even started and I don't want to work anymore!) She bought me groceries and came with enough diet coke and toilet paper to last for an eternity. She came with cute shoes and a flannel shirt because she remembered me talking about wanting one the other day. Sometimes I wonder if my mom gets me, if she understands who I am, and sometimes I think she doesn't. And then on days like today, I don't think I could feel any more loved, and more supported, any more understood.
2. I love the Carmel YL banquet. When I was a junior in high school, I spoke at the YL banquet and told my testimony. Five years later, I told one reason why I love being a YL leader, and led a game at a YL banquet. Its amazing to be in a room of 300 adults who are saying, "Yes. I care." I like to meet the parents of my kids. I like to be in a room of adults who hear truths about teenagers and how life is hard. I like that there is purpose in every part of the night and that we sit in a room full of smiling people.
3. I really love reading other people's blogs. Sometimes that makes me think that other people would love to read my blog too, but I think that's just too much pressure. Plus, what if I decide that I want to quit blogging again, and then a bunch of people keep telling me to do it?
4. For as long as I can remember, I have said that I am ready to get married. Literally, in high school I thought I knew who I was going to marry and I had my life planned out. Since then, lots has changed, including who I thought I was going to marry, but this has been a consistent theme in my life. I have 3 friends who are getting married in the near future. I'm SO excited for these weddings. I'm going to a bridal shower tonight. And for the first time in my life (this sounds stupid, but its the truth) I've realized that I will graduate from college and not be engaged. I just never believed that this was really possible. Now, there are 6 months until I graduate and I'm not giving up hope that I will have a boyfriend by then, but I certainly won't be engaged. I was talking to Mary Ellen a few weekends ago and we talked about the fact that we can't really believe we are going to graduate and not get married right away. If this was a world where I got to pick everything I thought I needed, would I choose to be getting engaged? Yes. Absolutely. But then I think about my friends getting married, about the way their lives are going to radically change in such a short amount of time, and then I think I might be thankful for the way my life is turning out. I love this life. I'm not sure that I'm ready to graduate, move, get married, find a job, figure out how to be a wife and still have friends, etc. I know that one day (hopefully sooner rather than later) I will meet a great guy that I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with. When that happens, I will be THE most excited engaged person you have EVER met. And until then, I want to LOVE this life. Love where I am. Love what I'm doing. Love living with two girls that I have so much fun with. Love living freely without attachments. Love what God is teaching and showing me in this time. Love the hope that I know is in my future.
5. I want to make a craft project. I need ideas!
1. My mom just left. I really love my mom. She came for the YL banquet last night and I'm so glad she did. I love that she got to come and see that Young Life is so much more than me sitting and listening to high school drama. I love that she got to interact with my friends and see a little more of what my life is really like. I talked at the banquet last night with Jake and led a game, and I joked with my mom about high school. She really, really wanted me to take public speaking in high school and I always told her I didn't need it. I won, obviously, and last night she finally agreed that I really didn't need it. We went to breakfast this morning and had a lot to talk about and I'm so thankful for her. We talked about how its amazing that she is still sane and normal with some of the things that have gone on in her life. We laughed about how for the FIRST time in her life, she simply doesn't want to work anymore (I haven't even started and I don't want to work anymore!) She bought me groceries and came with enough diet coke and toilet paper to last for an eternity. She came with cute shoes and a flannel shirt because she remembered me talking about wanting one the other day. Sometimes I wonder if my mom gets me, if she understands who I am, and sometimes I think she doesn't. And then on days like today, I don't think I could feel any more loved, and more supported, any more understood.
2. I love the Carmel YL banquet. When I was a junior in high school, I spoke at the YL banquet and told my testimony. Five years later, I told one reason why I love being a YL leader, and led a game at a YL banquet. Its amazing to be in a room of 300 adults who are saying, "Yes. I care." I like to meet the parents of my kids. I like to be in a room of adults who hear truths about teenagers and how life is hard. I like that there is purpose in every part of the night and that we sit in a room full of smiling people.
3. I really love reading other people's blogs. Sometimes that makes me think that other people would love to read my blog too, but I think that's just too much pressure. Plus, what if I decide that I want to quit blogging again, and then a bunch of people keep telling me to do it?
4. For as long as I can remember, I have said that I am ready to get married. Literally, in high school I thought I knew who I was going to marry and I had my life planned out. Since then, lots has changed, including who I thought I was going to marry, but this has been a consistent theme in my life. I have 3 friends who are getting married in the near future. I'm SO excited for these weddings. I'm going to a bridal shower tonight. And for the first time in my life (this sounds stupid, but its the truth) I've realized that I will graduate from college and not be engaged. I just never believed that this was really possible. Now, there are 6 months until I graduate and I'm not giving up hope that I will have a boyfriend by then, but I certainly won't be engaged. I was talking to Mary Ellen a few weekends ago and we talked about the fact that we can't really believe we are going to graduate and not get married right away. If this was a world where I got to pick everything I thought I needed, would I choose to be getting engaged? Yes. Absolutely. But then I think about my friends getting married, about the way their lives are going to radically change in such a short amount of time, and then I think I might be thankful for the way my life is turning out. I love this life. I'm not sure that I'm ready to graduate, move, get married, find a job, figure out how to be a wife and still have friends, etc. I know that one day (hopefully sooner rather than later) I will meet a great guy that I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with. When that happens, I will be THE most excited engaged person you have EVER met. And until then, I want to LOVE this life. Love where I am. Love what I'm doing. Love living with two girls that I have so much fun with. Love living freely without attachments. Love what God is teaching and showing me in this time. Love the hope that I know is in my future.
5. I want to make a craft project. I need ideas!
10.29.2010
I like
Look at how pretty the sky was the other day:
Today some of my wonderful girls came over after school and we made cookies that were gross.
I like weekends and I like my life and I like talking to friends that I haven't talked to in a while and I like celebrating people's birthdays and I like having two hour long conversations with current friends and I like dreaming about what my future might hold.
I like laughing and I like making pumpkin bread and I like talking with my mom on the phone and telling stories and I like my camera.
I like going to bed at 10 and I like having breakfast with fun girls and I like seeing dads at the grocery store with their kids and I like that in the movie we are watching, she is talking about meeting a guy she really likes and she said "It just happened."
I think I'm believing that more and more recently. That as simple as it sounds, it just happens.
Today some of my wonderful girls came over after school and we made cookies that were gross.
I like weekends and I like my life and I like talking to friends that I haven't talked to in a while and I like celebrating people's birthdays and I like having two hour long conversations with current friends and I like dreaming about what my future might hold.
I like laughing and I like making pumpkin bread and I like talking with my mom on the phone and telling stories and I like my camera.
I like going to bed at 10 and I like having breakfast with fun girls and I like seeing dads at the grocery store with their kids and I like that in the movie we are watching, she is talking about meeting a guy she really likes and she said "It just happened."
I think I'm believing that more and more recently. That as simple as it sounds, it just happens.
10.26.2010
new rules
Yesterday, we were talking about our blogs and it made me want to start writing again. But I'm making new rules.
1. I don't have to do it everyday.
2. I don't always have to include a picture.
Sometimes those two things make me not want to blog and since now, no one will read this anyway since I haven't written in forever, I can be free from them.
Tonight we had YL club, and it felt very community focused to me. I really loved that. Today I skipped one of my classes because I had other stuff to do and my mom told me to. She is really great. On the drive home from school, there was a mom in front of me who kept turning around to look at her kids and was cracking up. For like 10 minutes. And I thought about how many moms spend their time talking on the phone or not interacting with their kids and it was so beautiful to see. Periodically (or like every day) I think to myself, "I can't wait to be a mom." Realistically, I can wait. But I just know there will be something very special about that time in my life.
1. I don't have to do it everyday.
2. I don't always have to include a picture.
Sometimes those two things make me not want to blog and since now, no one will read this anyway since I haven't written in forever, I can be free from them.
Tonight we had YL club, and it felt very community focused to me. I really loved that. Today I skipped one of my classes because I had other stuff to do and my mom told me to. She is really great. On the drive home from school, there was a mom in front of me who kept turning around to look at her kids and was cracking up. For like 10 minutes. And I thought about how many moms spend their time talking on the phone or not interacting with their kids and it was so beautiful to see. Periodically (or like every day) I think to myself, "I can't wait to be a mom." Realistically, I can wait. But I just know there will be something very special about that time in my life.
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