waiting

C.S. Lewis' daily tweet today says:
"I am sure God keeps no one waiting unless He sees it is good for him to wait."

I've been saying lately that I'm sick of being taught to be patient. I don't think I really mean it, but I definitely, definitely think it. I don't want to be patient about knowing what I'm going to do next year mostly. And its not that I haven't thought about it. Because I have. Its just too early to know what my options really are. In my heart, I'm okay with this, its just in my brain where there is impatience. I think that in learning patience, I'm also learning trust. That's my goal for this year: to learn to fully, completely, wholly trust God. I am GREAT at saying that I trust God. My anxious heart, my complaints, my acting-like-I-know-everything attitude say otherwise. How do I do this? Really, I have no idea.

I think it means that I repeat to myself over and over and over that I am loved by God. I am his daughter, his masterpiece, and that I have nothing to prove. I repeat Jeremiah 29:11 again and again and try to completely believe that God DOES have a plan for me. I spend time remembering that God has shown up in the past. That every summer of my life has been exactly what I needed, and every summer I was at a total loss for what to do. I came to Butler and it was the EXACT place I needed to be. I went to Wilderness and a friend was provided for me exactly when I needed it the most. I have a real community of real people who really know me and is what I prayed for in high school. I know my God hears me. I know my God loves me. I know my God knows what's best for me. I just want to trust all that.

this is long!

This might be long, I have a lot of things to say!

1. My mom just left. I really love my mom. She came for the YL banquet last night and I'm so glad she did. I love that she got to come and see that Young Life is so much more than me sitting and listening to high school drama. I love that she got to interact with my friends and see a little more of what my life is really like. I talked at the banquet last night with Jake and led a game, and I joked with my mom about high school. She really, really wanted me to take public speaking in high school and I always told her I didn't need it. I won, obviously, and last night she finally agreed that I really didn't need it. We went to breakfast this morning and had a lot to talk about and I'm so thankful for her. We talked about how its amazing that she is still sane and normal with some of the things that have gone on in her life. We laughed about how for the FIRST time in her life, she simply doesn't want to work anymore (I haven't even started and I don't want to work anymore!) She bought me groceries and came with enough diet coke and toilet paper to last for an eternity. She came with cute shoes and a flannel shirt because she remembered me talking about wanting one the other day. Sometimes I wonder if my mom gets me, if she understands who I am, and sometimes I think she doesn't. And then on days like today, I don't think I could feel any more loved, and more supported, any more understood.

2. I love the Carmel YL banquet. When I was a junior in high school, I spoke at the YL banquet and told my testimony. Five years later, I told one reason why I love being a YL leader, and led a game at a YL banquet. Its amazing to be in a room of 300 adults who are saying, "Yes. I care." I like to meet the parents of my kids. I like to be in a room of adults who hear truths about teenagers and how life is hard. I like that there is purpose in every part of the night and that we sit in a room full of smiling people.

3. I really love reading other people's blogs. Sometimes that makes me think that other people would love to read my blog too, but I think that's just too much pressure. Plus, what if I decide that I want to quit blogging again, and then a bunch of people keep telling me to do it?

4. For as long as I can remember, I have said that I am ready to get married. Literally, in high school I thought I knew who I was going to marry and I had my life planned out. Since then, lots has changed, including who I thought I was going to marry, but this has been a consistent theme in my life. I have 3 friends who are getting married in the near future. I'm SO excited for these weddings. I'm going to a bridal shower tonight. And for the first time in my life (this sounds stupid, but its the truth) I've realized that I will graduate from college and not be engaged. I just never believed that this was really possible. Now, there are 6 months until I graduate and I'm not giving up hope that I will have a boyfriend by then, but I certainly won't be engaged. I was talking to Mary Ellen a few weekends ago and we talked about the fact that we can't really believe we are going to graduate and not get married right away. If this was a world where I got to pick everything I thought I needed, would I choose to be getting engaged? Yes. Absolutely. But then I think about my friends getting married, about the way their lives are going to radically change in such a short amount of time, and then I think I might be thankful for the way my life is turning out. I love this life. I'm not sure that I'm ready to graduate, move, get married, find a job, figure out how to be a wife and still have friends, etc. I know that one day (hopefully sooner rather than later) I will meet a great guy that I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with. When that happens, I will be THE most excited engaged person you have EVER met. And until then, I want to LOVE this life. Love where I am. Love what I'm doing. Love living with two girls that I have so much fun with. Love living freely without attachments. Love what God is teaching and showing me in this time. Love the hope that I know is in my future.

5. I want to make a craft project. I need ideas!

I like

Look at how pretty the sky was the other day:


Today some of my wonderful girls came over after school and we made cookies that were gross.


I like weekends and I like my life and I like talking to friends that I haven't talked to in a while and I like celebrating people's birthdays and I like having two hour long conversations with current friends and I like dreaming about what my future might hold.

I like laughing and I like making pumpkin bread and I like talking with my mom on the phone and telling stories and I like my camera.

I like going to bed at 10 and I like having breakfast with fun girls and I like seeing dads at the grocery store with their kids and I like that in the movie we are watching, she is talking about meeting a guy she really likes and she said "It just happened."

I think I'm believing that more and more recently. That as simple as it sounds, it just happens.

new rules

Yesterday, we were talking about our blogs and it made me want to start writing again. But I'm making new rules.
1. I don't have to do it everyday.
2. I don't always have to include a picture.
Sometimes those two things make me not want to blog and since now, no one will read this anyway since I haven't written in forever, I can be free from them.

Tonight we had YL club, and it felt very community focused to me. I really loved that. Today I skipped one of my classes because I had other stuff to do and my mom told me to. She is really great. On the drive home from school, there was a mom in front of me who kept turning around to look at her kids and was cracking up. For like 10 minutes. And I thought about how many moms spend their time talking on the phone or not interacting with their kids and it was so beautiful to see. Periodically (or like every day) I think to myself, "I can't wait to be a mom." Realistically, I can wait. But I just know there will be something very special about that time in my life.

moving

One moving adventure to the next.

Here is my brother and my dad in his dorm room.

I LOVED my freshman year of college and yet I am really, REALLY glad I never have to do it again.

The van is loaded for round 2 and moving into my apartment tomorrow. Sarah Wright keeps telling me that its going to be okay, but I feel like it is too much stuff to unload and that I am going to be unpacking FOREVER. AHHHH!

birthday

I've been bad at blogging.

Tomorrow my brother is moving to college. Friday I'm moving into our apartment and I can't wait. When I have kids this is going to be so hard.


Yesterday was my birthday. I like birthdays because its fun to have a bunch of people tell you that they care about you. I got a beautiful painting, the sweetest book ever, a call from Colorado, and an entire day with my mom. My 21st birthday was nothing like a typical 21st birthday and I wouldn't have it any other way.

magical

Young Life camp is seriously a magical experience. It is for sure, one of my favorite places in the whole world and I love more than anything being there with girls I care so much about. This year at Castaway, there were 14 wonderful girls in my cabin and Allison who just graduated and led with me. We got to have amazing conversations and the way they have matured in the last three years is stunning. I'm so excited for them, and so excited to be part of the way God is working in them!